The first blog I started was mostly an experiment. My writing had always been something I kept private and even with the blog, I didn’t think anyone would actually read it. That meant I could say pretty much whatever I wanted and didn’t really worry too much about who would find out (there were a few exceptions).
But when I started this site, my goal had shifted – I want people to read this stuff, and I want others to share their experiences and comments as well. Before I even published the first post, I started to get anxious about how people might respond to my very pubic honesty. Anyone could read this now. My friends, my parents, my boss…ex-boyfriends. Yikes.
What if they read it and they don’t like what I have to say? Do I really want my mother knowing how much I curse? What if my (soon to be former) boss stumbles across one of my posts about how miserable I’ve been in my job? Shit! Sorry mom! What will people think???
As these scenarios play out in my mind, I get a tad queasy. It’s not that I don’t want them to know how I really feel, but sharing it without filter? That sounds dangerous. Maybe I’ll just make a few minor edits…
Um, no. That’s not going to work.
A huge goal for starting this site in the first place, is to be committed to being brutally honest with myself and you. Honest about what scares me, honest about how I feel, honest about my failures and yes, honest with my gratuitous use of curse words to illustrate my fucking point. Because if you were talking with the real me, that’s exactly who I’d be. No filter.
I grew up believing “censor” was a bad word, and I feel pretty much the same today. Obviously, there’s a time and a place for tact, discretion and little white lies. This is not that place.
This is a place where you and I just let it all out, risk being exposed, mocked, dismissed, and on and on and on (although I don’t really believe those things will happen). I could come up with a million reasons why it would be safer and more proper to edit my thoughts, but again, I’m here to face my fears, not indulge them.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m really, really, really scared to be completely honest, but I’m going to do my best.
I’m leaving this item open for now, because I’m already tempted to edit the next post for fear of how others may react, so clearly I still have some work to do.
I never said working through these fears would be easy, and let’s face it, if I “won” every time it wouldn’t be very realistic (not to mention boring).
So, from this day forth I’m committed to do my best to not censor myself…and when I’m tempted to do so, you’ll be sure to see an update on good ol’ #26.
To be continued….
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