#23 Fall In Love

November 3, 2011

It was a beautiful fall afternoon.  The leaves were changing, the sky was a crisp blue, and a in a few short hours, monsters and zombies would be walking the streets.

It’s my favorite time of year.  At least, it used to be.

I love horror movies, I love a great ghost story and I love to be surprised.  But it’s not the same anymore.  Not since the last time I was really, truly in love.

This year, along with the last few, Halloween was a bittersweet reminder that love does not actually conquer all, and those lucky enough to be in love right now, might not find themselves such in a matter of years.

As I zipped through the fallen foliage, I realized I had become one of those women.

You know the type.

They casually strut their single status at just the right moments, when their coupled friends are wishing they were unattached (even if just for a moment).  They take pride in their independence, and find strength in the fact they can make a decision whenever they want.  All the while not so subtly implying all the committed people in the universe have it wrong, and it is they, in fact who are losing out.

When did this happen?  When did I lose my connection to the one thing I have ever fully and truly believed in?

When did I lose my faith in love?

When I think about the concept of love, I still romanticize the idea.  I still daydream about some special guy, reaching across a table at a crowded restaurant and holding my face in his hands, simply gazing into my eyes and smiling.

That’s it.  That’s all I really need(ed).  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never say no to flowers or a surprise dinner or weekend away, but….

When the lights go out I need to know the person on the other side of the bed knows what my face looks like in the dark.  I need to know he can imagine the shape of my nose, the feel of my earlobe between his fingers, the lingering scent of a perfume that is uniquely mine.

The last time I felt that way it was nearly a decade ago, and the power of that intimacy haunts me still.  The idea that emotions of that intensity and depth are possible, while at one time felt like stupendous bliss, now feels like a infection.  A disease.

I can’t escape the nagging feeling that love is actually real, yet at the same time I am overcome by the knowledge that nothing lasts forever.

I am torn between two worlds.

I suppose it’s only appropriate I have an affinity for horror movies.  It makes sense.  The full range of human emotions are often on display.  From childish fears to supernatural phenomenons – the characters, and the viewers experience it all.  We endure the psychotic, hypnotic course of life, death, love and hate, and completely and fully connect with one another in the process.

And after 118 minutes, the ride is over.

The screen goes blank, we get up from our seats.  Whatever sense of another we may have had, vanishes behind scrolling credits and sinister background music.

And when I cautiously crawl into bed, I know whoever I was hoping would recognize me in the shadows is just a myth.

Just another scary story, whispered around an autumn campfire, frightening unsuspecting twenty-somethings into the arms of a love that may never last.

What reminds you of love lost, or longed for?

© 2011 – 2013, FearLess Jenn. All rights reserved.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Caroline November 3, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Hey Jenn,

I totally know what you mean, i have been feeling the same for the past 4 years now. I gave up on love 1 year ago i believe, after another failure, i liked the guy, he didn’t. Same story over again..

My last and only relationship dates from 4 years ago, the only time that i felt i could trust someone and that someone truly cared about me for who i am. But now, it’s all gone…and this feeling never came back. I’m starting to believe that love is not everyone and that unfortunately it’s not for me.

:(

Reply

FearLess Jenn November 3, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Hi Caroline,

Sometimes, I think we must live in parallel universes! While I definitely share your sense of loss for old loves, I really do want to believe that there are lots of “right” guys out there. I think part of the process, at least for me, is working through all this nostalgia for “how things were” so I can finally open my eyes and see what amazing connections are just waiting to be discovered.

It’s funny, I never have any doubt other people will find love (e.g. YOU!) but when it comes to me, I seem to have a harder time accepting that scenario…thus, it stays on the list..for now :)

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Caroline November 3, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Hey Jenn!

I know, this is so surreal!! Each time you write something, i recognize myself in your situation, every time. That never happened to me to be honest, i’m so glad i’ve met you!

To be honest, i wish there are lots of good guys for us out there but they seem to be hiding, or with someone else perhaps. I truly know what you mean by the feeling of nostalgia, i often feel the same, i just remember the past because well, my sentimental life is empty in the present. I live with memories.

Oh my god, i totally think the same!! I believe that everyone can find love, except me, i have even concluded that i might be cursed or that’s my karma. I always believe that i’m never good enough, never pretty enough, never slim enough, never smart enough, NEVER enough. I tried to gain some self-confidence but honestly, the only thing i believe i’m good is chasing my dreams (professionally).

People say that I will meet someone, but times goes by and i’m not sure it will happen. This is sad in a way but it made me stronger to accept this eventuality because i don’t want to be heartbroken at the end of my life when i will realize that i’m lonely…

(tho secretly, i still have a once of hope that one day we will meet someone! :p)

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María November 4, 2011 at 9:01 am

Hi Jenn,

Another post that stir up my emotions!
I understand what you mean about the reality of love and the certainty of being finite, and this used to anguish me. Not any more, somehow I learnt how to live my life in the present and enjoy the love I have today because it will be gone tomorrow, and if this certainty makes me sad when I think of it, it doesn’t stop me to keep being there and enjoying every minute, on the contrary, it makes me appreciate it more because love can’t be taken for granted.
Great post, loved it! :)

Reply

FearLess Jenn November 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Hi Maria,

You make a great point about being present in the moment and appreciating the beauty that surrounds you. I have a habit of getting caught up in what “was” rather than appreciating what “is”, but I’m determined to change that – enjoying every moment, and appreciating it, as you do, definitely sounds like a nice change of pace!

Glad you liked the post, thanks for the comments!

- Jenn

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Jorge November 4, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Hi Jenn!

I believe I’m the only man that reads you, he he :)

I totally agree with You on all of the thoughts, but I’ve found that women tend to avoid the idea of finite love. They know nothing is forever, but refuse to believe that applies to love.
I think that’s also the reason for some women to stay alone, so that way they can wish they find the “right guy” (BTW, later I will write something about this -right guy- misconception), instead having to deal with the idea of love finishing….
When we’re young, we don’t really think stuff, and just throw at it, which is why (I believe) we find our unforgettable love when we’re too young. I still remember my first girlfriend, and still have feelings for her. Not sure what kind of feelings, but they make me feel good :) .

Me? Honestly I just don’t believe anymore on the romantic concept of love. There’s of course some chemical reaction which makes us extremely happy, and insures that we survive as humans. But the romantic and eternal concept of love? Just another scam, fairy tale.
We as adults should be aware of this, and recognize that there’s the real chance of developing a committed relationship, but not on the romantic concept of love, but in the real situation. Adults with similar tastes and objectives in life, which happened to coincide and like each other.

Then again, that’s just me and my crazy alternative ideas… I will start my blog and will send You an invite ;) .

Cheers! Its friday!

Reply

FearLess Jenn November 5, 2011 at 3:11 am

Hi Jorge,

I hope you aren’t the only man who visits the site, but trust me, the male perspective is most certainly welcome!!

I have to admit, it breaks my heart a bit to hear you say you have completely lost all faith in romantic love. I feel like there are so many people that may match up based on just “similar tastes and objectives” but I can’t help but hope there is more to love than that. I suppose that may be your point, that some women idealize the concept of love, but to me, what I long for is not just another person who shares my interests, but someone who deeply, and truly knows and *needs* to be with me, specifically.

Maybe it is a fairy tale, but for whatever reason, I still remain, as I said, caught between two worlds. I can’t quite accept the fact the love I seek still exists, but it hurts too much to imagine a world in which that kind of love is make-believe. We both, after all, have experienced it, so, in our youth, or as adults, we know it’s possible right?

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and I definitely look forward to commenting on your blog when you get it going!!

- Jenn

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Mary February 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I love your posts! You are most definitely not alone.

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